


(We Were) Just Kids

by masonjar88



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe, First Kiss, Inspiration struck and this is what came out of it, M/M, Swearing, but also very much so, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2018-05-21 07:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6042430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masonjar88/pseuds/masonjar88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was silly, Jongin knew, to think the friendship he'd had with Taemin was something that could be forgotten. But eight years apart was a long time compared to the two years they had together. </p><p>Jongin's phone buzzed, alerting him it was time to go. A nervous excitement flooded his veins and he smiled, biting his lip. </p><p>He was going to see SHINee. Live. In concert. </p><p>It would be the closest he'd been to Taemin since they were kids.</p><p>[Oct 2017 - Added new 2nd Chapter that serves as a prequel]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This little story is one that hit me driving to and from work. 
> 
> As this is my first story in the kpop realm, I hope you can forgive me for any mistakes I might have made. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

Jongin looked himself over in the mirror for what must have been the fiftieth time. His outfit wasn't anything too special. He was wearing his favorite black skinny jeans, a plain white t-shirt, and his leather coat with the fabric hood. Really, it was pretty standard for him, so it was a wonder it took him a good five hours last night to decide what to wear. 

His gaze moved to his hair. He'd been dying it a sort of medium-brown color for the last few years and he liked it a lot more than black. But as he ran his hands through it a couple times, he began to worry that it made him look too different to what he looked like when he was fourteen. Well, it was too late to change it now. He had to leave soon.

Finally, his eyes fell on the cross necklace sitting on his chest and his hand came up to cover it, fingers closing around it. He brought his hand to his lips, not really kissing it, just a brush. "Would you even remember me?" he whispered. 

It was silly, he knew, to think the friendship he'd had with Taemin was something that could be forgotten. But eight years apart was a long time compared to the two years they had together, and the irrational worry still persisted. 

Jongin's phone buzzed, alerting him it was time to go. A nervous excitement flooded his veins and he smiled, biting his lip. He was going to see SHINee. Live. In concert. The tickets hadn't been cheap. In fact, they were the most expensive ones available. Jongin had been hoping they'd have some sort of meet-and-greet option but they didn't. At least he'd be as close to the stage as humanly possible. It would be the closest he'd been to Taemin since they were kids. 

The bus ride to the venue was the longest journey of his life. It was times like this that Jongin regretted not being able to drive, but it wasn't like he usually needed to in New York. His leg bounced uncontrollably from adrenaline and his thoughts were moving through his head at a mile a minute. He knew the odds of Taemin actually seeing him among the massive crowd were slim, but what if he did? When they'd been friends, people had often poked fun at them because they always somehow knew where the other person was. Like there was some sort of strange magnetism between them. 

What if Taemin saw him?

Jongin's fingers found the cross around his neck once more and he closed his eyes. The truth was, he didn't know how Taemin would react. Maybe he wouldn't react at all. Maybe he'd just pretend Jongin didn't exist. To Jongin, that was the worst possible way Taemin could react, and one that was also very plausible. 

_No._ Jongin's fingers clenched around the cross. He wasn't going to think about that. 

The venue was already buzzing with excitement. Jongin pulled out his phone to look up the instructions for his ticket. He followed the indicated signs to the right queue and pulled out his badge from the inner pocket of his coat along with his ID. There was maybe three other guys waiting in line with him but the rest were girls. 

Venue security scanned their badges and checked their IDs and concert staff passed out t-shirts and light sticks. Jongin went ahead and put the shirt on over his white one; he didn't have anywhere else to put it.

They were finally led inside a half hour later, their tickets granting them access to a special boxed in area just for them right along the stage and catwalk in the shape of an 'L'. Jongin was thrilled that there was more than enough room for them all to stand and move around comfortably. He was glad he splurged on the ticket. 

The rest of the doors opened and the crowds began to stream in. Jongin bounced up and down on his the balls of his feet and listened to the conversations happening around him. 

_"Did you see Key's instagram this morning? His hair is pink again!"_

_"You realize we are going to see Minho up close right?"_

_"I hope Onew wears those pants again. They make his butt look so fucking good!"_

_"Is it too much to hope that Taemin and Jonghyun will do Internet War again? I can't get over it. It was so hot! Like, fuck me!"_

_"Taemin took his shirt off in LA! I hope he does here too!"_

Jongin felt his face heating up. Taemin with his shirt off was something he tried to avoid thinking of in public. The entire ‘Ace’ concept had been too much. 

Finally, the lights went down. The screams around Jongin were like nothing he ever heard before and he put the earplugs he brought in his ears. He pressed himself against the barrier in front of him and strained his eyes to try to figure out where look. 

There they were, illuminated only by the large LED screen spanning the length of the stage behind them. And then the music started and Jongin felt like he got punched in the gut because it was ‘Replay’, which to this day was Jongin's favorite song. Because that was the Taemin he knew; the fourteen-year-old boy with the wide smile who loved to dance more than anything in the world. 

Now he was suddenly faced with _this_ Taemin: the tall young man with the tight white pants and the blonde hair who was standing on stage in front of him, and he was a stranger. And it _hurt_. Taemin was never supposed to be a stranger. Jongin was always supposed to know him. And he wanted to so badly. He wanted to know the beautiful man that fourteen-year-old boy had become. 

Now it was just the impossible task of getting Taemin to see him. 

God was against him; Jongin was sure of that. With every song, he hoped Taemin would wander over to dance or sing in front of him but it was always Jonghyun or Onew or Minho. Never Taemin. He'd picked the wrong side of the stage. Even from a distance though, everything about Taemin was stunning. Jongin still felt privileged he got to see as much of him as he did. 

Jongin spent almost the whole concert pressed up against the barrier as the girls around him jumped and screamed and sang loudly in a poor but genuine attempt at Korean. It wasn't until ‘3 2 1’ that Jongin finally joined in, jumping and singing with them. He was at a SHINee concert, his first and possibly last, and he was going to enjoy it. Every now and then he let his eyes roam away from Taemin to the other members, even making brief eye-contact with Minho. 

SHINee said goodbye and Jongin felt his chest bursting in pride. Out of the group, he’d only ever known Taemin well personally but he still felt a strong connection and love for the other members as well, having trained with them for a bit. The lights went down again and the crowd immediately started chanting for an encore, and Jongin joined in enthusiastically. 

Suddenly there was a large security man and a woman who looked like concert staff standing in front of him. Jongin froze. He didn't think he did anything wrong. 

Jongin was surprised when the woman spoke to him loudly over the crowd in Korean. "What's your name?" 

He stared for a second then cleared his voice. "Kim Jongin," he shouted back. 

The woman pointed at the security guard then shouted, "Find him when the encore is over. He will bring you backstage." 

Jongin's eyes widened and he nodded. Back stage. He was going backstage. Did that mean somehow Taemin saw him? 

The encore went by in a blur. Before long, the lights rose and and the people around him began to file out. Jongin snapped out of his fog and looked around for the security guard. He found him standing by where the rest of the people in his area were exiting. 

When the last person had left, Jongin walked over the the guard, who motioned for Jongin to follow him.

The nerves Jongin felt before the concert were nothing compared to what he felt now. Up until this moment, the idea of seeing Taemin face-to-face, talking to him, had been entirely theoretical. Jongin breathed in and out deeply in an attempt to calm himself. 

The guard led him down a hallway past dozens of staff all moving purposefully in different directions. They took about two more turns, which Jongin was sure he wouldn't remember later, before the guard stopped outside an open door. "Wait in here," he said gruffly in English. 

"Thanks." Jongin stepped into the room. There wasn't really anything special about it; it looked like an unused green room. There was a table in the center with chairs and a line of mirrors in the back. Jongin went to sit in one of the chairs but found he couldn't sit still.

He paced back and forth, picking at his chapped lips and running his hands through his hair repeatedly. His thoughts were filled with nothing but an ongoing mantra of _TaeminTaeminTaeminTaemin TAEMIN._

Suddenly there was a voice. "I thought that was you," someone said in Korean.

Jongin jumped and turned back towards the open door. It wasn't Taemin. 

Minho smiled at him from the doorway. He was wearing black track pants and a gray shirt featuring the UK flag with the sleeves cut off. His hair was damp but it wasn't sweat so he must have taken a shower. He looked damn good. 

"Hello," Jongin finally managed to say. 

Minho chuckled and stepped into the room. “Hello." He walked past Jongin and took a seat on the table. He flipped a chair around and placed his feet on it, leaning forward on his elbows. "How have you been, Jongin?"

"Good," Jongin replied, confused. 

"Are you still dancing?"

He nodded. "Newsies on Broadway." 

“Congratulations! That’s great!” 

As pleasant as Minho was trying to be, Jongin still couldn't help but look over his shoulder at the door. 

"Taemin doesn't know you're here yet," Minho said. "I wanted to talk to you first." 

"That sounds ominous."

Minho sighed and sat back, placing his hands behind him on the table as a brace. "Look, I don't know what happened between you two when you moved, I don't think Taemin's told anyone that," he paused and looked Jongin up and down. "But whatever happened, he blamed himself. It took him a long time to get over it. Actually, I'm not even sure he is." 

Jongin froze. Taemin blamed himself? "What?"

"He didn't sleep much after you moved," Minho told him gently. "He would stare at his IM constantly. Eventually I asked him about it and he he started babbling about how he ruined everything." 

"N...no," Jongin stammered. All this time he'd thought Taemin would be mad at him. After all, he's the one who froze. He's the one who didn't reply to Taemin's IM's when all Taemin had been trying to do was fix things. They stopped talking and it was all Jongin's fault. 

Minho raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"It wasn't his fault. He just..." Jongin ran a hand through his hair. "We were kids. We were just kids and I didn't know how to react. I wasn't mad I just..." Jongin sat down in the nearest chair and put his head in his hands. 

He could hear Minho moving and then there was a warm hand on his back. "What happened?"

Jongin took a deep breath. "He kissed me," he whispered. Minho didn't respond but Jongin knew he’d heard because the hand on his back got heavier. A little louder Jongin said, "it wasn't even anything big, just a peck on the lips, but..." 

"But you were kids," Minho finished. 

Jongin nodded and sat back. Minho's hand shifted to his shoulder. "And then he just ran away. He looked so scared. I didn't want him to be scared." 

Minho squeezed his shoulder and Jongin looked up at him. To his surprise, Minho was smiling softly at him. "I'm going to go get Taemin now. He should be done with his shower." With that, Minho patted him on the back and left the room.

_Taemin._

Minho was going to get Taemin. _Holy shit._

Jongin shot up from his chair and began to pace again. What was he going to say? He needed to make sure Taemin knew he wasn't mad, but beyond that, what should he say? ‘It's good to see you’ was an understatement, as was ‘I missed you’. God, he missed Taemin so much. ‘I'm sorry?’ That should probably be in there somewhere. 

He didn't have much time to think though as a minute later he could hear voices in the hallway. 

_"I promise it will be worth it. Just two minutes."_

_"Hyung, I'm tired. I just want to be alone for a bit."_

_"Two minutes! You'll thank me later."_

Jongin froze in place, staring at the doorway. This was happening. This was happening _right now._ He was breathing a little bit too hard and he had absolutely no idea what to do with his hands and in just a few seconds he’d be face to face with... 

And then he was there. Lee Taemin. In the flesh. 

He was dressed in gray sweatpants and a blue Columbia University hoodie. His blonde hair was parted down the center and was a few shades darker due to the water that still clung to it from his shower. And he was beautiful. _God_ was he beautiful. 

His eyes met Jongin's and he stopped moving, eyes wide, lips parted. 

Jongin opened his mouth, trying to say something, anything, but the words got caught in his throat. Instead he lifted his hand, only managing a little wave and a small smile. 

It was enough. "Jongin," Taemin breathed. And if that wasn't the best thing Jongin had ever heard. 

They stepped forward at the same time and meet in the middle in a way that made Jongin feel like he was in a movie. 

Taemin hugged him so tightly it's almost hard to breathe. They swayed together slightly, finding the most comfortable way to stand so close to each other. Everything Jongin had been wanting to say fled from his mind, and he was content to just be, hands fisted in clothes and faces buried in necks, hugging Taemin. Existing in the closest proximity possible with Taemin. 

Minutes passed and Jongin savored every second they clung to each other. It was an experience he had only ever dreamed of having again. And if this was another dream then, Jongin never wanted to wake up. Eventually though, Jongin felt a sudden, overwhelming need to look at him. 

He started to pull away but Taemin squeezed him tighter, growling in protest. Jongin smiled. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I just want to see your face."

Taemin held onto him for a few more seconds before his grip loosened. Jongin shifted his hands to Taemin’s shoulders and gently pushed him back. Taemin’s eyes were shining, a little red around the edges. “You’re crying,” Jongin teased. 

“I am not!” Taemin said, laughter filtering through like it always would when he didn’t want to cry. 

“You are!” Jongin reached up to wipe away a tear with his thumb but Taemin pushed him away.

“Shut up!” he exclaimed, and wiped his face with this sleeve. 

They stood like that for less than a second before even that distance became too much and they reached for each other again; Taemin grabbing for Jongin’s waist and Jongin bringing his hands up to rest on either side of Taemin’s neck. 

“What are you doing here?” Taemin asked, as if there was somewhere else in the world Jongin should be instead. He tried not to be offended. 

Instead he smiled cheekily. “Well, there’s this music group called SHINee. I’m not sure if you’ve heard of them but and they were playing a show here tonight.” 

Taemin giggled and stepped closer again, locking his arms around Jongin’s middle and leaning his head on his shoulder. Jongin dropped one hand to hold one of Taemin’s elbows and brought the other to the back of his head, carding his fingers through his now mostly-dry hair. 

“Really though, I just wanted to see you,” Jongin said quietly. 

A knock sounded from the door and they both jumped, pulling apart just enough to look in the direction of the sound. To Jongin’s surprise, the door was shut; Minho must have closed it earlier without them realizing. 

“What?” Taemin shouted, annoyed. 

The door opened and Key’s face poked out from around it, followed by Jonghyun and Onew. Almost immediately, Key’s curious expression transformed into a devilish grin and Jonghyun and Onew looked like a couple of kids in a candy store. 

Jongin tightened his grip on Taemin’s elbow and in his hair as he realized what they must look like to them. Taemin didn’t seem to care, though. “Tell me what’s up or leave us alone!”

Key looked like he was about to reply but Onew cut him off. “We need to go to the hotel now. Manager hyung said Jongin can come with, if he wanted.” 

“Thank you,” Jongin replied earnestly. He didn’t know what Minho had told any of them but this meant he didn’t have to say goodbye immediately and he was beyond grateful for that. They would have time. 

Onew smiled and moved back from the door, grabbing Jonghyun by the collar of his shirt and Key by the ear (“AISH!”).

“GET IT!” Jongin heard Key yell from down the hall, in English. He chuckled and leaned his forehead against Taemin’s shoulder.

“What did he say?” Taemin asked. 

“Don’t worry about it.” Jongin brought his other hand down and gently pulled Taemin’s arms from around his waist. “We should probably get going.”

Taemin seemed more willing to pull away now that he knew Jongin wouldn't have to leave any time soon. Even so, he made sure to take Jongin's hand and lace their fingers together as he led the way out to the bus. 

They sat side by side, pressed together, hands still joined. Taemin's head found it's place on Jongin's shoulder as Jongin made light conversation with Minho and Key about his Broadway experience. It was comfortable. 

Jongin wasn't paying enough attention to know which hotel they ended up at. Each of the members had their own room, which Jongin was happy about. He liked the other members, sure, but he and Taemin really needed to talk. As Taemin’s was the only room on the third floor, they said goodnight to the other members in the elevator and let someone from the staff direct them to the right room. 

The door to Taemin's room shut and Jongin found himself being pulled into another crushing hug. "I'm so glad you're here," Taemin said quietly. 

Jongin smiled into his neck. "Me too, Taeminnie." 

Taemin giggled and pulled back, crinkling his nose. "You smell terrible." 

"Thanks," Jongin said, pushing Taemin lightly away by the shoulder, suddenly self-conscious. Taemin, after all, smelled like heaven after his shower. 

"You can use the shower," Taemin told him. He walked over to the suitcases the staff must have brought up earlier and fished out some clothes and threw them at Jongin. “Here.”

Jongin looked from the clothes back up to Taemin. "Okay. But if you fall asleep on me, I will draw on your face." Then, a little quieter, he added, "We really need to talk, Taemin." 

He hated the way Taemin's face fell at his words so he smiled assuredly. It seemed to help and Taemin nodded. "Okay." 

The shower felt wonderful. Jongin hadn't realized how grubby he felt, and he ended up taking slightly longer than he'd originally intended. He was also grateful, if a little embarrassed, to find that someone had left two toothbrushes near the sink. When Jongin finally stepped out of the bathroom, he fully expected to find Taemin asleep. To his surprise, though, Taemin was sitting on the far end of the couch, knees brought up to his chest, staring at his phone. 

"Wow, you're still awake," Jongin said, setting his clothes from the concert down in a small pile slightly away from Taemin’s suitcases and hanging his jacket over the back of the chair by the desk. 

Taemin looked up, "You said we needed to talk." 

Jongin nodded, unconsciously fiddling with the cross around his neck again. He moved to take a seat on the other end of the couch, mirroring Taemin's position. "We do. But you just did a three hour show, I wouldn't have blamed you if you’d fallen asleep." 

“You still have that?” Taemin asked, sounding a bit amazed. 

It took him a second to realize what Taemin was talking about and he let the cross fall back to his chest. “Yeah, um, I don’t really take it off, ever. It’s a different chain. Like, the fourth one. They keep breaking.” 

“Oh.” 

For the first time, the silence between them was uneasy and Jongin hated it. "I'm sorry," he said. 

Taemin's eyebrows pulled together, confused. "What?"

"I'm sorry about how I reacted. I'm sorry I never messaged you back. I'm sorry you thought I didn't want to talk to you. I did. I just didn't know what to say." 

It didn't seem like Taemin knew how to respond to that. He simply sat there staring at Jongin, lips parted slightly. 

"Did you think I was mad at you?" Jongin asked, desperate for some sort of response. 

Taemin nodded. "I apologized. I sent you so many messages apologizing. And I didn't hear anything from you and I thought you didn't want anything to do with me. I'm so sorry, Jongin." 

_No, no, no._ Jongin shook his head. That was not what he wanted to hear. "I didn't want you to be sorry." 

"What do you mean?" Taemin asked, confused.

Suddenly Jongin’s mouth felt very dry. He licked his lips to try to get some moisture back. “You looked scared. When you ran away, after…”

Taemin shook his head, his face growing more serious.“I don’t understand.” 

Jongin ran his hands through his hair, trying to find the right words. “You were my best friend and I didn’t want you to be afraid of my reaction.”

Taemin bit his lip and looked away. “So it’s pity.” 

“No! I was just confused, Taeminnie!” Jongin set his feet back on the floor and slid closer to Taemin. “You kissed me!”

“I remember.”

“Taemin, please!” Taemin still wasn’t looking at him so Jongin reached out to brush his hand. It worked. Suddenly Taemin’s eyes were boring into his. Sadness. Confusion. Hurt. They were all there and Jongin hated that he was the one that made Taemin look like that. He needed to explain.

“You kissed me. You ran away. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I landed in San Francisco and I had six messages from you apologizing. ‘I’m sorry, Jongin. I didn’t mean to. Forget it ever happened. We can still be friends.’ I thought you regretted it. I didn’t want you to apologize. I didn’t want you to regret it.” Taemin looked like he was going to cut him off so Jongin held up a hand to stop him. “No, let me finish. I have to say this.” Jongin swallowed to get some moisture back in his throat. He needed to get this all out now or he wasn’t sure he ever would. He set his elbows on his knees and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I didn’t answer you because I didn’t know how to say how I felt. You kissed me and then said you wanted to be friends and I didn’t know how to tell you I wanted to be more than that.” 

A light hand touched his shoulder. “Jonginnie—” 

“And then you kept messaging me and I felt so bad for not answering because we were friends and we were supposed to talk every day just like we promised. And then you just stopped and I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I was too late.” He took a long shuddering breath. “We were just kids, Taemin. I’m so sorry. I should have— ”

Taemin’s hand moved from his shoulder to the back of his neck and Jongin looked up at him. He’d shifted so he was sitting directly next to him. He wasn’t looking at Jongin, instead his head had fallen forward, eyes closed. He was smiling, maybe laughing, probably crying. His other hand hanging in a loose fist in front of his mouth, index finger touching his lips.

Minho had told Jongin earlier that Taemin had been sure he’d ruined everything with the kiss. It was obvious, so obvious now, that Taemin felt the same way that Jongin had back then: innocently and stupidly in love. For the first time in a long time, Jongin felt like they were actually on the same page. 

Jongin let himself fall sideways. His head came in contact with Taemin’s chest and Taemin made no effort to keep either of them upright. They fell in a heap on the couch. Taemin quickly wrapped his arms around Jongin. Jongin pressed the side of his his face into the fabric of Taemin’s hoodie.

Eventually, Taemin’s cry-laughing subsided, even if he did still sniffle every now and then. Somewhere in there he’d begun combing his fingers through Jongin’s still drying hair. “This is real,” he murmured. 

“Of course it is,” Jongin replied, lifting his head and twisting a bit so he could see Taemin’s face, unfortunately also displacing Taemin’s hand. 

“You don’t understand,” Taemin said, a little louder, staring into space. “It hasn’t been real, in the past.” 

Jongin let Taemin gather his thoughts. 

“Minho used to catch me spacing out. Or daydreaming, or whatever. Eventually he asked what I was thinking about.” He paused and Jongin settled back down on his chest, feeling the slow rise and fall as he breathed. “It was always you. What if you happened to be in the coffee shop we were going to? What if I ran into you at the airport when we had to travel to Japan? What if I was on stage and I looked out and you were there, cheering for me?” 

“I wanted to be,” Jongin said before Taemin could continue. “You don’t know how many viruses my laptop got from going on shady live streaming websites at three in the morning to watch your performances. Mom used to yell at me for staying up so late. I was so proud of you, Taeminnie. I still am.” 

“Yeah?”

“You should have seen yourself on that stage tonight,” Jongin breathed. “You were stunning.” 

He felt Taemin nuzzle into his hair. 

“And the rest of the members were incredible too. I’m biased but SHINee really is the best group out there,” Jongin told him. “I don’t shut up about you guys. My roommate was a bit intimidated when she realized I wasn't just playing up my love of SHINee. I'm a little obsessed." 

"Just a little?" Taemin asked, poking him in the side.

"Okay, a lot. It’s ridiculous. I’ve made a fool of myself more times than I can count," Jongin laughed. He remembered Taemin's solo debut. The day 'Danger' came out, Cara came back to the apartment to him lying on his back on the floor staring at the ceiling in shock. He truly hadn't been prepared.

Jongin never told Cara about his past friendship with Taemin. She only knew Taemin as Jongin's celebrity crush, but Jongin was okay with that. She teased him about it all the time, even going so far as getting him a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Taemin for his birthday last year. They currently have him stood next to the television, judging them whenever they marathon episodes of Pit Bulls and Parolees or Gold Rush. 

"What?" Taemin asked as Jongin giggled. 

"I'm just happy,” he answered truthfully. 

Taemin seemed to accept that answer and sighed in agreement. “Me too.” 

The position they were in wasn’t the most comfortable one in the world but frankly, Jongin felt too content to move. In the quiet, Taemin’s hoodie wasn’t quite enough to muffle his heartbeat and Jongin made it a point to lay his head directly over the soothing sound. Taemin began stroking his hair again in a steady rhythm. 

They stayed like that for several minutes before the chorus of ‘Ring Ding Dong’ rang out into the silence.

Jongin groaned. "My phone," he said pushing himself up from the couch and making his way to his jacket. By the time he dug his phone out of the pocket, it had already begun to ring through a second time. If it had been anyone but Cara, he wouldn't have answered it. 

"Hello?"

"He's alive! Praise the Lord!"

Jongin chuckled. "Yeah, I'm alive. Sorry I didn't text you. I won't be coming home tonight." 

"Oh, really? Who's the guy? Anyone I know?" she teased. 

"Lee Taemin," he replied without hesitation. He knew Cara wouldn't believe him, as it was the same answer he almost always gave to the question. He winked at Taemin, who was watching him curiously from the couch.

"And what have you been up to with Lee Taemin?"

"Cuddling on the couch of his hotel room, mostly. No proclamations of undying love yet, though." 

Cara laughed through the phone. "You never know! Maybe he saw you and it was love at first sight. You're a good-looking guy, Jongin. He'd be a lucky man." 

"I'm pretty sure the lucky one would be me." He smiled at Taemin, who looked very confused but smiled in return. "I'll be back tomorrow. You have a morning shift at the coffee shop, right?"

"Bright and early."

"I might have to stop in on my way back then. Sleep well." 

"You too! Tell Taemin I say hi!"

He laughed. "I'll make sure to do that." 

"Who was that?" Taemin asked.

Jongin set his phone down on the bedside table and jumped up slightly to sit on the overly-poofy bed. "My roommate Cara. I forgot to text her to tell her I wasn't coming back tonight." He looked over at Taemin again and tilted his head to the side. "Did you get any of that?"

Taemin shrugged. "A few words. You mentioned me, though. What did you say?" 

“She was teasing me. When I told her I wasn’t coming back she asked what guy I went home with so I told her." Taemin immediately looked concerned so Jongin added, “she didn’t believe me. She doesn’t even know I know you.”

“She doesn’t?”

Jongin shook his head. “I haven’t told anyone. I wasn’t sure if we...” He didn’t really know how to complete that sentence but Taemin seemed to understand what he was trying to say, even if he also didn’t have the words.

“I know. I wasn’t either.” 

_I’m still not,_ Jongin thought. Where were they exactly? Where did they stand? He wanted to say they were still friends, and he was fairly certain he could say they were. He was wearing Taemin’s clothes for fuck’s sake. But Jongin had also just confessed to Taemin that he’d wanted more, in the past, and he was pretty sure Taemin had wanted more as well. And right now, Taemin was looking at him with the same nervous intensity he had before he kissed Jongin all those years ago and Jongin’s heart _raced._

He licked his lips, not looking away. The air in the room now felt much thicker than it had been before. Taemin opened and closed his mouth a couple times like he wanted to say something, but nothing came out. He looked down at his hands, playing with the ring on his index finger. Jongin felt like he should probably say something as well but his mind didn’t seem to be able to construct sentences. 

Suddenly, Taemin stood up. It only took him three steps and he was standing directly in front of Jongin. He lifted a hand like he wanted to reach out to touch him but hesitated. “I… Can I…” 

Taemin’s eyes searched his face, appearing more nervous than ever now that they were so close. Jongin did his best to keep his breathing even. He carefully placed his hand on Taemin’s hip and smiled reassuringly up at him. 

Almost too slowly, Taemin reached forward. Jongin closed his eyes as Taemin traced his fingers gently over Jongin’s forehead, cheek. 

“Taemin,” Jongin breathed. 

Taemin froze for a moment, then moved his hand to cup Jongin’s jaw. 

Unlike Taemin, Jongin wasn’t one to live in a constant state of imagining. He tried his best to steer his mind away from envisioning the unlikely or impossible. Even so, he’d be lying if he said he never once thought about what it would be like for Taemin to kiss him again. 

Jongin realized very quickly that his imagination just couldn’t do it justice. First there was just a gentle brush of Taemin’s lips against his and then they were gone, but that didn’t stop the fireworks from going off in Jongin’s chest. Taemin’s lips returned to the corner of his mouth, placing another small kiss there before moving back center. Now, Jongin kissed him back, sliding his lips leisurely against Taemin’s. There was no hurry; they had nowhere to be. 

It felt so right, warming every part of him. Like it didn’t matter that they'd only just found each other again. As if they hadn’t spent the last eight years apart. 

Jongin smiled at the thought and Taemin took the opportunity to nuzzle into his neck, breathing him in. It was a familiar gesture, something Taemin used to do before, and it was comforting. 

“I missed you,” Taemin said softly. Jongin locked his arms around Taemin’s waist in response. 

“Good. Because I missed you too.” 

It was incredible, Jongin thought, how long it took for him to get used to not having Taemin around. It took months to stop the gut reaction of looking around for Taemin whenever something significant happened. It took years to get used to the idea that he was probably never going to talk to Taemin again. 

And it sucked. Because Jongin had already gotten used to Taemin again. He didn’t want to lose him again. Not ever. The most difficult part about all of this was knowing Taemin was going to have to leave tomorrow. 

"What happens now?" Taemin asked, voicing the core of where Jongin's thoughts were headed. But he didn’t want to think about that just yet. 

Jongin sighed and pulled back, finally opening his eyes. "I think…" he paused for a moment to brush Taemin's hair out of his eyes. "I think for now, we should get some sleep."

He laughed when Taemin pulled a face. "You have to go to Vancouver tomorrow, right? You need rest."

"Not until the afternoon. And the show's not until the day after."

“So we’ll have some time tomorrow then,” Jongin told him. He pushed Taemin back gently by the hips and looked at the clock on the nightstand. “It’s almost three. Sleep time.” 

“It’s late afternoon in Korea,” Taemin pouted. 

“Sleep.” 

Taemin groaned, but did shuffle his way over to the bathroom. 

Jongin took a deep breath and stood. As much as he wanted to sleep in the bed, he still wasn’t sure if they were quite there yet, so he grabbed a pillow and brought it over to the couch. 

Before he could even sit down though, a muffled voice asked, “what are you doing?” 

He turned around to see Taemin glaring at him, toothbrush still in his mouth. Jongin looked over his shoulder at the couch then back at Taemin, who rolled his eyes and pointed at the bed. Jongin held up his hands in surrender then picked up the pillow again and put it back against the headboard. Taemin didn’t move. He waited in the same position, finger pointed at the bed and toothbrush hanging from his lips, until Jongin had actually gotten into the bed, under the covers. Appearing satisfied, Taemin returned to the bathroom. 

Jongin didn’t really move until Taemin had reemerged, turned off the lights, and gotten into bed next to him. 

“Do you still sleep on your back?” Taemin asked. 

“Yes?” Jongin answered, a little confused as he settled down into his pillow. 

“Good,” Taemin answered, and immediately shifted so he was lying with his head on Jongin’s chest. 

Jongin smiled and wrapped an arm around him. He could feel Taemin tracing his fingers over the cross necklace. “Do you want it back?” Jongin asked. 

“No,” Taemin shook his head a little. “You keep it.” 

“Okay,” Jongin murmured. “Goodnight, Taemin.” 

Taemin hummed happily into his chest. “I love you,” he whispered. 

Really, Jongin’s heart should have burst open right then. _Taemin just said he loved him._ Jongin tightened his arm around him. 

“I love you too,” Jongin whispered back, in English. He pressed a kiss into Taemin’s hair. 

It didn’t matter, Jongin decided, what happened next. Because he knew, without any sort of doubt, that this was what Taemin wanted, too. He wanted them. And for now, that was more than enough.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prequel to Chapter 1

Taemin and Jongin sat on the floor of Jongin's empty room. Taemin pulled his knees in close to his chest. It was too quiet. They hadn't said a word to each other for the last five minutes and Taemin couldn't stand it. His best friend was moving. Not even across the city, or country, but across the world. Jongin was moving to America and he was leaving Taemin behind.

He fiddled with his necklace. Why did this have to happen now? Taemin was debuting in less than a month and Jongin wasn't even going to be there! It wasn't fair. It wasn't Jongin's fault, and Taemin didn't blame him, but it still sucked.

Taemin remembered that awful day two months ago, when he'd opened his door to a sobbing Jongin.

 

* * *

 

"What happened?" Taemin asked as Jongin latched onto him, dread settling in his stomach. He'd never seen Jongin like this before. Crying, sure, from exhaustion or stress or pain, but not _this_.  

Jongin took a few short breaths and swallowed. He said something into Taemin's collarbone that Taemin didn't quite catch. "What did you say?"

Taemin didn't realize how physical words could feel until Jongin sobbed out, "I'm moving." And Taemin felt them like a solid punch to his stomach. But Jongin wasn't finished. "I'm moving to America." Taemin stopped breathing. He felt like he was going to pass out and he hugged Jongin harder. They both swayed on the spot.

"When?" Taemin had asked, finally drawing breath, desperately trying to stay strong, to not cry.

Jongin sucked snot back into his nose. "T-two months."

It was no good. Taemin's knees gave out and they both collapsed to the ground.

 

* * *

 

His eyes were wet, Taemin knew it, but he made no move to wipe at them. At some point, Jongin had linked their pinky fingers together, bridging the small gap between them. It didn’t feel like enough, Taemin wanted nothing more than to pull Jongin to him and hold him close, but he physically couldn’t move. 

“We’ll still talk,” Jongin whispered, cutting through the silence. He swallowed audibly and took a deep breath, repeating the same words for the twentieth or maybe thousandth time today. “We’ll still talk. It’ll be okay. We—”

“Jonginnie! We have to get going soon to airport, love!” Jongin’s mom called from downstairs.

Nonononono this was still way too soon. Taemin looked at Jongin. His best friend’s eyes were screwed shut and his head was bowed. Taemin scooted closer, threading their fingers together. He wiped his eyes with his free hand and sniffled. He needed more time. He couldn’t let go of Jongin yet.

“I don’t want to go,” Jongin breathed. He squeezed Taemin’s hand so tightly it hurt, but Taemin appreciated the feeling because it meant Jongin was still here. “I… We…”

Taemin’s free hand clutched his necklace and it dug into his palm. Struck with an idea, he pulled it over his head and with one hand and clumsily put the chain around Jongin’s neck. Jongin clutched it immediately. “Taemin—”

There was a knock on the door and Taemin jumped. Jongin’s mom was smiling sympathetically from doorway. “Come on downstairs, boys.” She stayed in the doorway watching until they both stood up, stumbling a little with their hands still connected, then left to let them follow her down the stairs. 

Taemin figured that walking down stairs shouldn’t feel like he was walking to his doom, but it did. Seeing the car outside shouldn’t feel like the end of the world, but it did. His best friend moving away shouldn’t feel like his soul was being ripped in two, but it did. They kept telling each other over and over that this was not an end, but it sure felt like one.

In sync, as they so often were, they came to a halt just inside the front door and turned towards each other. Taemin opened his mouth intending to say something, anything, but words couldn’t come and he closed it again. Jongin brought his free hand up to rest on the back of Taemin’s neck.

“I’ll message you when I land, okay?” Jongin blurted, sounding breathless.

Taemin nodded vigorously.

“And I’ll watch your debut stage. I don’t know how but I will. You’re going to be great, Taeminnie.” Jongin’s eyes darted around Taemin’s face and Taemin’s throat constricted. Jongin was trying to give Taemin comfort even though he wasn’t the one moving away. Jongin had always been like that, putting other people’s feelings above his own.

He wanted to tell Jongin thank you. Thank you for being the best person Taemin had ever met. Thank you for the late nights in the dance studio. Thank you for the never-ending teasing and laughter. Thank you for being his best cheerleader and critic. Thank you for being the best friend Taemin could ever hope to have. His other half. 

Jongin promised they would talk everyday, and Taemin believed him, but it wouldn’t be the same. Talking over chat or phone or even crappy video-chat wasn’t the same as having Jongin here in front of him. He couldn't reach out and touch Jongin through chat. He couldn’t cuddle up next to him or hold his hand. Jongin would be basically on the other side of the planet.

“Taeminnie, please say something,” Jongin’s eyes were sad and pleading. 

“I…” Taemin started, but his throat tightened again and he took a gulping breath. _I’ll miss you_ , he wanted to say. _I want you to stay. I want you here with me forever. I never want to go a day without you._  

_I love you._

Taemin looked down at Jongin’s lips and he found himself leaning forwards.

The act itself was so simple, just a small, soft press of lips with absolutely no forethought or planning to it. Jongin’s lips were chapped; Taemin knew that. Jongin had been biting and licking them more than usual recently. He smelled a little musty from sleeping under some blankets borrowed from their next door neighbor the night before, but he still smelled like Jongin. For a moment, the urgency left the air, and time stood still.

It wasn’t until Taemin’s eyes flicked up to see Jongin’s eyes blown wide that he fully realized what he had done. He jerked backwards, pulling himself out of Jongin’s touch in panic.

Jongin stood frozen with a shocked expression on his face.

“I—” Taemin’s voice caught in his throat and he swallowed. His heart hammered in his chest and he started to lose control of his breathing.

“Taemin, what…” Jongin’s eyebrows were raised and his mouth hung half open. Taemin tried to read him but he’d never seen that look on Jongin’s face before, and he took a few steps back.

Nonononono—

“Jongin!” Jongin’s mother called out, breaking the moment. Taemin’s back hit the door frame and Jongin turned to look at the car on the curb.

Without Jongin’s gaze on him, Taemin felt himself begin to float. Blood pounded in his ears and his vision blurred. He needed to get out of there.

Stumbling over his feet, Taemin turned and fled.

 

* * *

 

_Jongin, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do that I wasn't thinking!_

 

_Please can we still be friends?_

 

_It didn't mean anything. Please!_

 

_Jongin?_

 

_I'm so sorry_

 

_Please talk to me_

 

_I miss you_

 

Taemin sat in the dark staring at his and Jongin's chat. The last message he sent was four days ago and Jongin hadn't even looked at it yet.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid 

He pulled at his hair, pressure rising in his chest again. He felt like it was going to collapse in on itself. When Jongin had told him he was moving, Taemin thought it was the worst pain he could ever feel. But it didn't come close to this.

_He hates me._

Setting his laptop aside, Taemin brought his knees to his chest and hugged them. Instinctively, he reached for his cross but it wasn’t there. He took deep, shuddering breaths, trying to stay in control.

The door to the room cracked open. Taemin hid his face in his knees.

"Taeminnie?" It was Jinki. Taemin didn't answer him.

Thankfully, Jinki didn't turn the light on when he stepped into this room, just closed the door behind him. Taemin didn't hear him approach the bed but a few moments later there was a hand resting gently on his back.

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" Jinki asked, softly. Minho had requested the same of him a few days ago but Taemin hadn't been able to say anything past Jongin's name.

Taemin took a breath to try to collect himself, but his voice still broke. "He h-hates me, hyung."

Jinki took a seat on the bed, hand still on Taemin's back. "I seriously doubt that."

"He does," Taemin insisted. "I messed up."

"How did you mess up?"

Taemin just shook his head. He couldn't say it. It was humiliating, and even though he trusted Jinki, this was too big.

"Jongin loves you, Taemin," Jinki said, causing Taemin's chest to tighten again. "Whatever you think you did, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. Moving is hard; he probably just needs some time."

Finally, Taemin let out a sob. A misunderstanding. What was there to even understand? Taemin kissed Jongin for no reason right before he left the country probably forever. Taemin didn’t even understand why he did it. Nothing made any sense so how on earth was time going to fix it?

He kissed Jongin. Kissed him. Like he’d seen so many couples do in dramas. But he and Jongin weren’t a couple; they were _friends_. So why had he done it?

A mistake.

Taemin felt Jinki sit on the bed beside him just before he pulled Taemin to him. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. You’ll see.”

Taemin hoped he was right. But he doubted it.

 

* * *

 

They did it. They debuted. SHINee debuted. They were a real idol group now.

Taemin had never felt a high quite like the one he was riding. They left the stage bouncing. Jinki hugged him. Minho picked him up and spun him around, laughing. Kibum held Jonghyun as he cried.

When they got back to the dorm late that night, Taemin pulled out this phone to call his mom.

“Hello? Taeminnie?”

Taemin fell back on his bed. He could faintly hear the other members talking to their families outside his room and he smiled widely. “We did it, mom! I did it! It was so scary and I thought I was going to explode before our stage started but once the music started playing it was so much better! The lights are so bright! I couldn’t see anyone except the cameras moving around and the other members but I remembered everything and we all remembered everything… we did it, mom!”

His mom laughed. “You did it! You were wonderful, Taemin. I’m so proud of you. All of you!”

“We did it,” Taemin said again, quieter this time. “We’re an idol group now. Mom, I’m an idol!”

“Yes you are. You’re going to be great, Taemin.”

“I did it.”

Taemin’s mom chuckled again. “Have you called anyone else yet? Have you talked to Jongin?”

Air rushed from Taemin’s lungs. He hadn’t told his mom what happened. Usually he could tell his mom anything. “No, I…” Taemin started, but his voice caught in this throat. He coughed. “I wanted to call you first. And it’s super late there. And I don’t know if he watched it.” Jongin said he would, but that was before Taemin… Anyways.

“Well, I appreciate being first on your list!” His mom said. “And I’m sure he’ll watch it. He’s a good friend. And even if he can’t, I’m sure he’ll want to know how it went!”

“Yeah…”

“Oh, you sound so tired. Adrenaline must be fading now, huh? Get some sleep tonight. Even idols need to sleep,” she teased.

“Yes, mom,” he smiled a little into the phone. “I love you.”

“I love you too, my Taeminnie. I’m so proud of you.”  

“Goodnight, mom.”

“Sleep tight.”

The call ended and Taemin closed his eyes and did his best to put Jongin out of his mind. This was a happy day. Nothing should be able to spoil this moment. Taemin wasn’t going to let it. It helped that at that moment, the door to his room burst open and the other members raced through, piling on top of him one after the other. He laughed with what little breath we could find with the weight pressing down on him. _I’m so happy,_ Taemin thought. And he really felt it.

 

* * *

 

"Taemin. TAEMIN!"  
  
Taemin heard Jonghyun's shout but he didn't stop his frantic search of his room and suitcase. His phone had to be somewhere. It had to be.  
  
This wasn't the first time he's lost his phone, but it was the first time he lost his phone since he got a new netbook. He had fully intended to copy Jongin's contact and IM information over to his netbook, that's why he put it on his phone in the first place, but then they went to Japan and had almost no time to themselves and Taemin had forgotten to do it. And now, Taemin couldn't find his phone.  
  
Strong arms wrapped around him, pinning his arms to his sides, and he was lifted off his feet. "Put me down!"  
  
Jonghyun walked him out into the common area where Minho was playing FIFA and dumped him on the couch. Taemin scrambled to get up and get back to his search but Minho caught the back of his shirt and pulled him back down. "What's going on?" Minho asked.  
  
Taemin didn't try to get up this time, realizing that he was effectively boxed in by two muscley men. He pulled at his hair. "I can't find my phone."  
  
"It's not exactly the first time," Minho chuckled.  
  
Which was true. But it was different this time. Taemin groaned and pressed his palms into his eyes. "I have to find it."    
  
"Why?" Jonghyun asked.  
  
"Because," Taemin growled. Because in that phone held Taemin's last connection to Jongin, and even though it had been several years since Jongin moved, since the last time they'd spoken, since Taemin had messed everything up, he still wasn't ready to let go of that.  
  
"What was on your phone, Taemin?" Minho asked softly.  
  
Taemin pushed his palms further into his eye sockets and shook his head. He couldn't say it. After all this time, he still hadn't told any of the members what happened with Jongin.  
  
Neither Jonghyun or Minho said anything but Taemin could feel them communicating wordlessly.  
  
A hand gently grabbed Taemin's forearm and tugged him sideways, and Taemin felt himself hit Minho's chest and arms wrapped around him. "We can't help you if you don't tell us."  
  
For a moment, Taemin considered telling them everything, but it passed quickly. "I'm okay, hyung." It didn't sound convincing even to himself, but they didn't push it.

Instead, Jonghyun sighed dramatically. “Ah, when will our Taeminnie learn to keep track of his things?”

Taemin opened his eyes and glared at Jonghyun, who smirked. “Hey!"

Minho took the opportunity to grab at his sides, tickling him. Taemin laughed and squirmed. “Nooooo!”

“We should attach all of your things to you with a bungee cable,” Minho said matter-of-factly, not relenting his attack.

Taemin falls heavy off the couch and onto the floor. He took a few gasping breaths of air and rolled to look up and Minho and Jonghyun. They’re both smiling. “I hate you both.”

“That’s no way to talk to your elders,” Jonghyun scolded him.

Minho just rolled his eyes and patted the now empty space next to him. “Come play FIFA with us, Taemin. We can look for your phone later.”

Taemin took another deep breath and closed his eyes. They probably wouldn’t find it; he couldn't think of anywhere else it could be. Jongin’s contact information was gone for good. But Minho always made good on his word so Taemin knew he would try to help anyway and he appreciated the gesture. “Okay, hyung.”

Maybe it was for the best.

 

* * *

 

Taemin tried to get comfortable on the couch without it tugging at his extensions too much. He’d already ripped out one earlier in the week by mistake and it _hurt_. He was pretty sure he’d be able to get rid of them soon, which was nice.

He was laying down in the main room of their dorm on one of their blessed days off with Kibum, who had chosen a pre-recorded music show to watch. Taemin hadn’t argued because EXO was in the line-up. Taemin had followed their debut closely. Their concept was unlike any Taemin had ever seen before. Twelve members, two subunits of six singing in Korean and Mandarin. They had super powers, too.

Jongin would have debuted with this group, if he had stayed. Taemin wondered which unit he would have been in and what his super power would have been. Would he have a stage name? For sure he would have been front and center for the dancing. Taemin wondered how much better Jongin had gotten. Probably a lot.

“EXO!”

Taemin blinked out of his daze to see that EXO-K had appeared on the screen. He didn’t really understand the song but the sound was cool. He also noticed not for the first time that all of the EXO members were very good-looking. He’d known some of them for a long time and it wasn’t like they were ugly before but it was honestly amazing how attractive they were now.

He wondered how Jongin would have looked. Would they have given him eyeliner?  What would they have dressed him in? Some of the members didn’t have sleeves. Jongin would have looked good without sleeves.

Eventually EXO was replaced by a girl group. The song was upbeat, and talked about kissing a lot. Taemin settled further into the cushions. The girls were pretty. As they sang, he vaguely wondered what it would be like to kiss one of them. He’d never kissed a girl before. He’d only ever kissed one person.

But even though he thought they were pretty, the thought of kissing them didn’t really make him feel any different. Not like the song suggested it would. Maybe he just didn’t want to kiss anyone.

And he would have accepted this conclusion if he hadn’t wanted to kiss Jongin. But Jongin was a boy. And Taemin was a boy. He didn’t know of any songs about boys kissing boys. He’d heard some jokes about the idea in variety shows here and there, but they were just jokes.

For a moment, Taemin's brain entertained the idea of kissing one of the idol boys he had seen on a variety show. He felt himself blush and his palms became slightly clammy as he remembered the leather and the tight jeans and the muscles...

Oh.

Did he want to kiss boys? Taemin liked to look at boys. He loved watching them run and dance and move. Rolling hips always got his attention and bare pectorals made him want to touch.

But he wasn’t supposed to want to kiss boys. He was supposed to want to kiss girls. That’s what the variety show hosts tease him about. What girl is your type? He never knew how to answer that question. He almost always said something different every time he was asked. Minho had noticed and had teased him about it.

All of the sudden Taemin felt a sharp flick to his face. His eyes flew open and he flailed his arms, hoping to catch the perpetrator. Unfortunately, Kibum was already stepping away from him, grinning like a Cheshire cat 

"What?" Taemin asked sharply.

Kibum flopped down in the armchair and tilted his head to the side. "You've been making faces for the last five minutes. What're you thinking about?"

Taemin squirmed. Half his brain was telling him that these thoughts were best kept internal while the other half was dying to talk to someone about it.  And he felt like, out of everyone, Kibum was the most likely to talk to him openly about it.

"Have you ever..." Taemin started, but he trailed off and squeezed his eyes shut as his anxiety unexpectedly skyrocketed.

"Have I ever what?" Kibum prompted him. "You okay?" he added, a little softer.

Taemin took a deep breath but didn't open his eyes. "Have-you-ever-thought-about-kissing-boys?" He blurted as quickly as he could.

He hadn't expected Kibum to laugh. A large, full-bodied Kibum laugh complete with what sounded like an honest to God knee slap. Taemin’s heart rate picked up even more as he waited for Kibum to calm down. "Oh, Taeminnie,” Kibum said, finally.  “I haven't just thought about it."

"What?" Taemin's eyes shot open and he sat up. "You've-?" The words caught again. Kibum's eyebrows raised and he motioned for Taemin to continue. Almost whispering this time, he asked, "you've kissed a boy?"

Kibum rolled his eyes and sat back in the chair, still smiling. "I've kissed a few boys."

Taemin's mouth fell open. Kibum has kissed a boy. _Actually_ kissed one. More than one. "Who?"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

“Hyuuuuung!” Taemin whined and sunk into the couch cushions. Something about the flippant way Kibum said it caused the bubble of anxiety in his chest to deflate faster than he ever thought possible. Kibum kissed boys. It was okay.

“Have you thought about kissing boys, Taemin?”

Taemin stiffened again and his head whipped around to look at Kibum. For once, he didn’t look teasing or mischievous, just curious, his head cocked to the side like a dog. 

“I dunno,” Taemin answered, finally. “I… I like looking at them?”

Kibum rolled his eyes. “Well I knew _that._ ”

Groaning, Taemin rolled onto his stomach and buried his face in the armrest. How had Kibum figured that out before him?

“It’s okay if you want to kiss boys, Taemin,” Kibum told him, just barely softer that his normal tone. “Just… Maybe only talk to us about it, alright? There’s nothing wrong with it, but a lot of society thinks there is.”

“Okay.” It was okay. _I want to kiss boys_. It was fine. Kibum had kissed boys. It was fine. He wasn’t supposed to talk about it. That was less fine. But Taemin wasn’t even sure who else he’d talk to about this outside the group.

Taemin breathed deeply then made a face. The couch didn’t smell all that great. He lifted his head up again to look at Kibum, who was still eyeing him. “Thanks, Kibum,” he said. It wasn’t something he said often, but he truly was thankful.

Kibum smiled and stood up. He walked over to Taemin and ruffled his hair. Ruining the moment, he said, “You’re welcome, brat.”

 

* * *

 

Someone snapped their fingers in front of his face. "Taemin."

Taemin jumped and looked up at Minho, who eyed him suspiciously. "Everything okay?" Minho asked.

"Yes, hyung. I was just thinking," Taemin told him. Which wasn't a lie. Everything was okay and he was thinking.

Minho took a seat beside him. "About what? You've been out of it this whole trip."

Jongin, Taemin answered in his head. He'd been thinking about Jongin a lot recently. More than that, he'd been imagining what it would be like if Jongin was here. What if Jongin hadn't moved, what would he be doing now? What if they ran into him here in Japan by coincidence? What if he showed up at a fansign? Or was in the audience at a concert?

What if he hadn't kissed Jongin that day? Would they still be friends? Sometimes Taemin wondered what it would have been like if Jongin had kissed him back.

The scenarios played out in his mind without permission and he'd get lost in them. He had entire conversations with Jongin in his head. He made up scenarios where Jongin forgave him, and they resumed their friendship where they left off. Sometimes the fantasies ended with them kissing, though this was even less likely to happen so Taemin tried to cut those off quickly. He wasn't exactly sure why his daydreams had picked up recently but they had.

"Taemin," Minho said again, and Taemin flinched. "Talk to me, please. I want to help. I know Jongin's birthday was last week. Is this about Jongin?"

Taemin whipped his head around to look at Minho with wide eyes. It was Jongin's birthday. How could he have forgotten that?

Minho smiled softly and brought his hand up to rest on the back of Taemin's neck. "What happened, Taeminnie? You two were so close. Did he say something to you?"

It would have been easier if that had been the case. Maybe he would have been able to move on. Taemin shook his head and looked down at his knees. "It's all my fault, Minho. Jongin didn't… It's my fault."

"What do you mean?" Minho was being incredibly gentle with him. He usually was but even more so now. It made Taemin want to tell him everything.

"I… Did something." He took a deep breath. "And I ruined everything. It wasn’t… I didn't mean to, but I wasn't thinking and I’m sure I confused him or scared him. And then I freaked out. And I don’t blame him for not talking to me. But," Taemin sniffled, startled to find that he was tearing up a little. "It wasn’t Jongin. It was my fault. I just wish I could fix it. I wish it had never happened."

"Taemin. I can't imagine you would do anything to get in the way of your friendship with Jongin. I've seen how much you miss him.” Minho ran his hand up and down Taemin’s back soothingly. “I liked Jongin, but whatever happened, if Jongin couldn't see how much you care about him, and that you'd never do anything on purpose to hurt him, that's not your fault. That's on him."

Taemin stood up and turned to look down and Minho. “I don’t think I hurt him. I just think… It was confusing. And I don’t know if he was mad or what but… It was my fault.”

“It’s not your fault.” Taemin wished he could believe Minho when he said that.

“We would still be talking otherwise. That means it’s my fault.” He didn’t want to talk about it anymore either. Even though it was only eight at night, Taemin bowed a little, said “goodnight,” and made his way to his room. Sleep was always the best escape anyways.  

 

* * *

 

“P-r-e-double-t-y,” Taemin whispered along with his past self on the television. “Pretty boy.”

The song was fantastic. Taemin would forever be impressed with Jonghyun’s ability to put feelings into song lyrics. He wasn’t even sure if he’d ever talked to Jonghyun about this particular topic but his hyung had done a wonderful job with this song.

Taemin was used to being called ‘pretty’; he’s been called ‘pretty’ for years. He had been hoping maybe as he aged he would begin to look more traditionally manly but at this point it didn’t look like it was going to happen. So he might as well embrace it, and break down some perceptions along the way.

‘Ace’ was a particularly strong concept. It was a delicate balance of light and dark. Sensual, and sexy. Taemin really enjoyed exploring this side of himself, even if it involved showing much more skin than he was used to. It _was_ helping him get more comfortable with his body, though. Maybe one day it wouldn’t feel so strange.

He smiled as he thought about his friends’ reactions to the concept. Their shock and praise gave Taemin a sense of glee. He felt like he’d finally grown up, that he’d found his own stride. His friends seemed to agree.

For a moment, Taemin wondered how Jongin reacted to this concept, or if he even saw it at all. Taemin hoped he had. Sometimes he still dreamt about what it would be like to see Jongin again, and he hadn’t quite given up that he might. He still missed his best friend. Still loved him.

“What do you think, Jongin?” Taemin asked the television outloud. “Do you think I’m pretty?” He laughed for a moment then sighed. “I hope you liked the mini album. I would have sent you a copy if I knew where you were. Are you still in San Francisco? Are you still dancing? I hope so.”  Smiling, he closed his eyes. “I bet you’re handsome now. I wish I could see you.”

Taemin took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair.

“I hope you still think of me.”

 

* * *

 

Taemin didn't really get nervous before concerts anymore. He didn't want to say they were routine now, because every performance was different and special, but it sort of was. Pre-concert anxiety was rare now, or at least it was before they started the American leg of their world tour. It felt like he was expecting something to jump out at him.

They were in New York now, and his nerves were especially bad. He'd gotten little sleep the night before and he felt on edge during soundcheck.

"You alright?" Jonghyun asked him after a particularly large yawn. 

Taemin nodded. "I didn't sleep much last night. But I'll be fine. The adrenaline will kick in."

The adrenaline did kick in before the concert and overall, they did a great show. But the entire time, Taemin couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. Which was bizarre, because of course he was being watched. Literally everyone in the venue was watching him.

Exhaustion hit him almost the second they left they stage after the encore and all he wanted was to shower and then get to the hotel and sleep.

He took a longer shower than usual and then changed into his post-concert clothes. He had just curled up on a couch to wait for his manager to tell them it was time to go when Minho appeared in front of him.

"Hey, Taemin, can you come with me? I want to show you something."

Taemin pulled his hood down over his face and groaned in response, hoping Minho would take a hint.

The next thing he knew there were hands pulling him up off the couch by the armpits. "YAH!" he protested.

"You'll love it," Minho said, letting him go. He was smiling so wide, Taemin would have found it suspicious if he was more awake.

"Can't you just tell me?"

"Nope! Follow me."

Taemin grumbled as he trailed behind Minho, dragging his feet. He felt so close to falling asleep he almost wondered if he was already.

"I promise it will be worth it. Just two minutes,” Minho said.

"Hyung, I'm tired. I just want to be alone for a bit."

"Two minutes! You'll thank me later."

Minho led him through an open door.

There was a man standing in the center of the room. He was taller than Taemin and incredibly handsome. He had brown hair and dark eyes and a sharp jawline. He looked strikingly familiar. In fact, he looked a lot like an older version of...

Taemin had fallen asleep on the couch, that had to be what happened. This was all just a dream. It had been awhile since he'd had one quite this vivid but there was no way this was real.

The man looked like he was going to say something, but he didn't. Just waved a little and smiled a smile Taemin hadn't seen in eight years but still would know anywhere. 

This wasn't a dream. Taemin could still feel the ache in his muscles from the show and his palm stung as he dug his fingernails into it. He wasn't asleep. In fact he was wide awake.

"Jongin."

 

* * *

  

Taemin looked up at the sleeping man he was clinging to. He still couldn't quite believe this was actually real.

His eyes traced over Jongin's face again. Kibum had told him once that watching people sleep was creepy, but Taemin couldn't help himself. Jongin looked so peaceful in his sleep.

Or maybe not in his sleep. Jongin's eyelids fluttered open and he whispered, "You should be sleeping."

Taemin shook his head. "This is a much better use of my time."

Jongin blinked sleepily at him. "What, watching me sleep?” His hand came up to card through Taemin’s hair and Taemin leaned into it.

“Just seeing your face. You’ve gotten to look at me whenever you wanted. The last picture I have of you, you were fourteen.” Taemin reached out and brushed some hair off of Jongin’s forehead. “Fourteen year old Jongin was cute and all, but now you’re…” Taemin trailed off, suddenly embarrassed.

“I’m what?” Jongin teased.

Taemin put his forehead against Jongin’s collarbone. “You’re so handsome Jongin,” he whispered.

Jongin laughed a little and his hand pulled Taemin’s chin up so he was looking Jongin in the eyes again. “You’re beautiful, Taemin.” And he pulled Taemin in, bringing their lips together for the second time that night. This wasn’t a dream.

“Go to sleep, Taeminnie,” Jongin told him when they finally pulled away. “I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

Taemin wrapped his arms around Jongin’s torso again, resting his head over his heart. “I know you will be.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews make my heart sing ♫♪


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